Binational love: Where is our home?
For most couples Where is home? can be sorted out later. Not so for binational couples.
Before we get started: If you’re single and having trouble figuring out where to go check out Which Country? In light of the new measures announced today, I can’t stress enough just how important it is to figure this out early and for one of the partners to get residence in the other’s country.
No matter if you’ve been content visiting each other on tourist visas, one day you’ll want to move in together. Or one day, something like the pandemic will happen and borders will close to non-resident family or lovers. I’ve seen too many international couples frustrated because them or their partner never got formal residence and are often prohibited from entering in light of the pandemic. That frustration is avoidable as long as you figure out the answer to Where is home? early.
This is so important to discuss early. We did. Had I not been willing to move to Argentina, it would have ended before it began. We made a plan to get me residence and then for me to obtain citizenship. Disagreement here can make the relationship unworkable. So figure this out early before you invest too much time to save yourself later heartache.
For some couples, this question has an obvious and easy answer. I was lucky in this sense. For others, it’s a bit more tricky and not so obvious. I’ve seen some couples truly struggle with this. If it’s not obvious for you, let me give you some things to think about.
In essence, you need to consider a few things (not ordered by priority): 1) Both partners’ abilities to move their job or get a new one. 2) Immigration laws in both countries. 3) Both partners’ degrees of cultural connection, family and friends attachments and language barriers. In our case, I intentionally obtained an online job I could do anywhere in the world, immigration is much easier to Argentina, I have little cultural connection to the US, and I speak Spanish. For some pairs, it’s less obvious. I’ll go over these factors in more detail in the upcoming sections. Read on!
Where is home? The job factor
Consider the following: Does either partner have a mobile job? If not, who can? If neither, which partner has a skillset (language included) to get an in-demand local job in the other partner’s country? For researchers, would they be able to continue in their field if they moved to their partner’s country? Which one can afford some time unemployed while looking for a new job, if necessary? Can one partner pay while the other is unemployed? If neither have a mobile job, finances are tight, and both have unideal skillsets to get a new job, it’s not impossible, but it’ll be very difficult.
Where is home? Immigration laws.
For some couples this is a make or break issue. Immigration law tends to be a bigger issue when it conflicts with the other issues we’re talking about. How can it conflict? It conflicts when there’s a strong preference due to jobs, language barrier, and cultural connection, but that nation has a very strict immigration policy.
This is not uncommon in US-X pairings because the US citizen is also likely the monolingual one. But then, when they try to move X country citizen to the US, it’s way more difficult and takes way longer than they expected. In that case, the couple may have to reorient to moving to the other country. That may or may not cause much unhappiness.
If you have a strong preference for a country with strict immigration laws, have a rock solid plan. Also be sure to have a Plan B that is acceptable to both. If you can’t come up that or if one partner is rigidly opposed to Plan B, it might not be worth the risk of trying. A rigid opposition to Plan B may also signal a weakness in the relationship. More on cultural ties next.
where is home?
Family and friends connection, cultural connection, and language barriers.
The answer to Where is home? for binational couples often has a root in a degree of connectedness to the home countries of the pair. The factors that determine this connectedness include culture, language, and family and friends.
For example, if one partner is monolingual and the other isn’t, the obvious preference is to go to the monolingual’s home country. Not only due to practical reasons, but also cultural reasons.
The bilingual often has some affinity for the monolingual’s culture. It’s extremely rare, if not impossible, to learn a language and to dislike all its music and movies. Again, this is common in US-X pairs as many people in various countries learn English because they dream of moving to the US. And US people tend to be monolingual.
In addition, the monolingual is probably hesitant to explore other cultures at best. They’re likely a monolingual out of preference or a strong cultural identity. Adults who define their identity strongly by their culture struggle more with learning foreign languages.
It may seem a little obvious, but I mention this because if your pair is a monolingual-bilingual, keep this preference in mind. Ensure that the monolingual is truly willing to learn a second language if something indicates the preference needs to go the other way. Otherwise, you’ll have unhappy times ahead with the monolingual feeling homesick and isolated. That can be overcome, but the relationship has to be particularly strong to shoulder that burden.
Last, but not least, the connection to family and friends is important to consider. If both cannot stand to be away from family and friends for too long, you will have a problem that you’ll have to solve. Also, be prepared for the possibility that the moving partner was less able to move away from family and friends than they thought. Some people love the idea of moving abroad more than the reality of it. Be especially wary of this if they haven’t traveled before.
Hopefully, you’ve figured out which country makes the most sense for your pair. But sometimes the preferences will be mixed and they’ll have to be weighed. Most couples probably should weigh culture/family preference over jobs over immigration law. But the weight depends on each individual couple.
Immigration law becomes more important with low finances as it can be expensive or you may even need someone outside the couple to sponsor the partner. Jobs also become more important when one or both can’t do remote work and/or can’t afford much time unemployed.
Best of luck to you! Check out my Big Move series (coming soon!) if you’re the one moving! And if you’re moving to Argentina, check out my posts on visas and residence (coming soon!)!
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